Since she started reception, I’ve been struggling to get my five year old to do anything I ask her to do. From putting on her clothes, brushing her teeth or putting on her shoes - everything feels like a battle. After school is the same, I’ll ask her to put her shoes away or take her bag upstairs and she just won’t listen to me!
I've tried so many different ways of giving her instructions, like asking her nicely using please and thank you, or even begging her to listen to me. When she doesn’t listen, I end up shouting until she does what I ask her, and then I feel terrible. What makes it worse, is that her teachers tell me she is well behaved and polite at school, so I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. What can I do?
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way, and I want you to know that you are not alone with these difficulties.
It sounds like you've been working hard to find different ways to help your daughter follow instructions - so well done for that! It sounds like you want to avoid shouting, which you realise isn’t good for you or your daughter!
Firstly, it sounds like your daughter is going through a typical development stage, where she is trying to become a bit more independent than she was as a toddler and preschooler. Some of her refusal to follow instructions can be her attempting to test boundaries and gain some control over what she does. Children are often very compliant at school, but save their trickier behaviours for home where they know they have the unconditional love they don't have from their teachers. That doesn’t make it feel any less frustrating though!
Here are four simple strategies that might be really helpful for your daughter. The key to success is to use them consistently.
1. Offer two choices
Give your child two options, but make sure that both of them lead to the outcome you want. Some examples are:
👉 Would you like to put on your polo shirt first, or your skirt first?
👉 Which of these two bowls do you want to use for your cereal?
👉 Would you prefer to walk upstairs or have a fireman's lift from me?
👉 Would you like to take your bag upstairs before or after having your snack?
Giving your child a choice makes them feel they have some control over what they are doing, which supports and respects their growing sense of independence.
2. Praise them at every opportunity
The things we praise our children for, will be the things they will do more of – because praise acts like a reward. Try to find opportunities to praise your child for the small steps they take towards following your instructions, not only when they complete the whole task. For example:
🌟 Well done for picking up your bag when I asked.
🌟 It’s great that you started tidying away your Lego, it looks so much tidier now.
🌟 Great job on choosing which socks you want to wear today.
Finding small opportunities to praise your child’s positive behaviours helps them feel good about themselves, and encourages them to do more of the same behaviours.
3. Be playful
Sometimes, when your child is refusing to follow instructions, you might need to give your connection with them a boost. By keeping things playful and fun with your child, it creates a calmer atmosphere. This can be as simple as offering to have a race to see who can put their socks on the quickest, or using a stopwatch to time how fast they can get upstairs to bed.
Being playful increases the feelings of connection between us and our children, which paves the way for them becoming more cooperative. Over time, this will make them more inclined to be helpful and to follow instructions.
4. Use the phrase "when...then" when you give instructions
The way we give instructions can affect how much our children pay attention to them. We can give the same instruction in many ways, such as: “Shall we put on your shoes now?” or “Would you like to put on your shoes?” and “I would like you to put on your shoes”.
One particularly effective way to give instructions, is by using: “When…then”. Some examples are:
✅ When you have put your shoes away, then it will be snack time.
✅ When you have got into bed, then we can read our story.
✅ When you've put your bag upstairs, then we will play together.
This phrase shows your child that there is an expectation that they will follow your instruction, rather than it being optional. This can make a big difference to how your child responds.
Give these strategies a go and see how your daughter responds.
The Parenting Matters course has other helpful strategies to support you and your child, and help to identify easy to use solutions for common child behaviour issues. Find out more
Dr Sagari Sarkar is a Clinical Child Psychologist and Parenting Practitioner
