My son is 8 years old and has a diagnosis of ADHD. He takes so long getting himself ready for school we are usually late leaving the house. The school is starting to lose patience with us, and I’m so embarrassed that they think I’m a bad parent. The thing is, my son can tell me all the things he needs to do in the morning, but when it actually comes to doing it he can’t seem to get it together. For example, he starts putting on his uniform, but a few minutes later when I check on him he will be playing with a toy, or reading a comic. So then I remind him to get dressed, and the same thing happens again! The only thing that works is for me to physically stand next to him and give him instructions one by one. This was fine when he was younger, but I feel like he should be able to do this by himself now. I have younger children who need my help, so I can’t really spend all my time with my 8 year old.
Having a child with ADHD can feel at times like you are herding cats, and be incredibly frustrating! And it is not your child’s fault, and nor is it yours. You are not a bad parent! It sounds like you are doing well staying calm, while prompting him, but inevitably you still find yourself chasing after him to get ready for school. And with younger children in tow, the pressure is on!
Children with ADHD (Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder) tend to have difficulty paying attention (they may not take in the request to put their socks on), or they may be hyperactive, (too busy bouncing around or talking that they haven’t got round to getting dressed), or be impulsive (finding something more interesting to do, which is not getting dressed!)
First of all, let me reassure you that this is such a common issue. While children develop at different rates, by age 8 most children without challenges with the physical aspects of getting dressed would be expected to be able to dress themselves. However, ADHD is associated with difficulties staying on track with a task, so your son finds it hard to sustain attention, which means that organising and planning what needs to be done is hard for him and means you are still having to remind him and to be his time-keeper.
Fortunately, there are some really effective ways to help children with this. Essentially, we have to put in place a structure to help with the things he has challenges with, like paying attention, planning, and time-keeping. Helpful ways to support your child might include:
Create a routine
Be realistic and try to build extra time into your morning routine, as a sort of buffer zone. Aim to plan ahead, lunch box at the ready, and pack bags the night before, so he has more chance of success. Try to make the process of dressing, having breakfast and leaving the house a consistent routine. Breaking the process into smaller steps will help; getting dressed, breakfast, brushing teeth …
A visual timetable or checklist
This is a list of pictures of all the steps towards completing a particular task that you put on the wall for your child to follow. For instance, there might be a picture of each item of clothing in the order they should put them on. This gives children the structure they need so they can complete the task by themselves, it gives them some control, and helps build up their independence, confidence, and self-esteem. Also, by completing the steps in the same order each time, this helps your child learn and build their skills.
Visual timers
He might find it helpful using a visual timer, which is a mini clock that shows in a bright colour how much time is left. This can be a good way for some children to stay focused on a task, as they can see at a glance how long they have left to complete it.
Remove distractions and give praise
Remove distractions and praise him when he is on track, or waiting at the door. Or let him play while waiting to leave if he is in good time. This is the icing on the cake - making things fun in the morning can make things run more smoothly.
The Parenting Matters course shares other strategies for helping your child to stay focused, which can be helpful for all children, not only those with ADHD. Find out more
Dr Sagari Sarkar is a Clinical Child Psychologist and Parenting Practitioner
